When you loose a parent, you feel like a child again no matter your age. The ground beneath you crumbles, you feel disoriented and unstable. It’s as if time stops, yet strangely the world keeps spinning. You are thrust into “the year of firsts” as you navigate the world without your loved one.
After my father’s death I felt alone and lost. I would imagine myself in a small boat in the middle of the ocean with no sail, no paddle…just floating, aimlessly and alone. My father came to me in a dream and told me to “ride out the storm”, and that I did! It was treacherous, terrifying, overwhelming, and at times surprisingly peaceful.
If you’re reading this because you lost a loved one, I’m sorry you’re here and I’m glad you’re here. We need our village when we are in the throes of grief. I hope these words remind you that you’re not alone in your experience and you deserve the embrace of a supportive community. Here’s what I learned in my year of firsts…
Grief is lonely:
You will feel alone in your grief. You will feel as if no one understands your grief. And in a sense, you’re right. No one can full understand your grief, it is unique to you and your person who died. Over time you will realize it’s not necessary for people to understand your grief. You just need to understand you so you can advocate for your needs.
Grief is exhausting:
And I mean, exhausting! You will feel your grief physically. It’s important to honor that and rest when you need to/when you can. This may mean saying “no” to social outings or invitations from friends. Most people don’t understand grief so you will have to be your own self advocate and decline things that are too taxing for your emotionally, physically or psychologically.
Grief Comes in Waves:
And when you least expect it. You may experience a total breakdown in Aisle 5 at Target because of a song or a image that reminds you of your loved one. There’s no fighting it. Let the tears flow!
You Need a Village:
You need people who can offer you support, love, joy, tenderness and encouragement. Find a good support group or grief therapist that can help you move through your grief in ways you family/friends cannot.
You Will Grow with your Grief:
Grief changes you. It changes how you feel about yourself, your relationships, your values and needs. It changes the way you see the world. You will feel both heartbroken and empowered by this. Embrace it all.
After loss, grief becomes your companion. It is right there alongside the joy, the celebrations, the longing. After all, grief is love, I will never stop loving my father and I will never stop grieving him. If you are experiencing grief and need support on your journey click here to learn more about how I can support you.
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In loving memory of my father, Billy D.
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